Dear Mr. X

I am so thrilled that you decided to line your waste paper basket with my script. It is an honor to be a part of Hollywood Studios in such an important role. My script is with you every day, and he is happy, proud and thrilled.

Dear Mr. Z

Thank you for allowing me to enter into this TV writing contest and I greatly appreciate that you hate the show I decided to write an episode of, never mind the hours, the research, the money I spent on classes and the fact that this is my favorite show. I am so happy that since you don’t seem to have an original thought in that tiny brain of yours that you didn’t even read it.

Dear Miss K

I am so thrilled that you gave me 3 pages of notes about how much you dislike Sci Fi, aliens, spaceships and time travel, especially since the script I sent you is a Romantic Comedy.

Dear Agent W

Since you couldn’t make it as a writer in this town, you definitely have the qualifications to tell me that my film sucks. My MFA in screenwriting doesn’t hold anything to your training at William Morris. I am just thankful that I was able to even summit to such a person like yourself. What a thrill. The best part is that you actually called me last week and left me a message saying that you loved the film and wanted to rep me, but I guess you forgot that you had sent this letter?

Hello Mr. P

I understand that  you don’t think a 50 year old woman should be out drinking and having sex and I appreciate the moral lecture from a studio executive like yourself and will definitely take who you are into consideration next time I decide to submit to you. I just wanted to point out, just because you seem to be so perfect, you rep the showrunner of this particular show that I wrote an episode of.

Dear Mr. Y

No I do not watch Beavis and Butthead and have no plans to get Netflix and catch up, thank you for suggesting it to me, very helpful by the way. I appreciate how that doesn’t relate to my screenplay in any shape or fashion.

Dear Mrs. Q

Thank you so much for letting me spend an entire weekend writing a spec script for you for the 13th time in the last two years and you still spell my name wrong. No I appreciate it very much, it gives me chance to practice my craft, the art of no sleep, donate to my local Starbucks and clearly make a name for myself in Hollywood. I love to write for you and never get an actual job offer, this is a dream come true for a new writer. Thank you.

Dear C

Thank you for suggesting that I shove my girlie-lovey-dovey-mushy crap where the sun doesn’t shine. I have the perfect place in mind. Your address is 3800 Wilshire, top floor, right?

Dear K & K

Thank you for telling me that you love love love love my script, and thank you for not buying it despite of “love love loving” it. That was the best part.